I liked her. She was the new girl at my office. She seemed shy. Avoiding looking into the eyes of the person talking to her too long. She would look at them for a moment. And then look at the floor. As if the floor brought her comfort, she entered the office quietly. I looked away from the screen toward her. She had a faint blush on her cheeks. Her lips, full. Red. Large almond eyes. She doesn’t wear any makeup. She walked toward her manager. She sat at his desk. He spoke to her, I couldn’t hear. But I could see her head nodding. She looked different than the other woman at the office. There was a different air she carried around her. Her desk was in a perfect angle, which gave me a view of her left side.
It’s been almost two years since she started working. She always greeted whoever was in the office. Every morning, in the same quite tone.she never look straight. I always reply back, while looking at my screen, rarely do I look away. Until that day. Without noticing myself, I raised my head on the sound of her shoes. Our eyes met. It wasn’t just an eye contact. My heart skipped a beat. For a second, I felt like all the air inside my lung gushed out. For the past two years I never looked straight into her face. Avoiding it as if it may cause her discomfort. At the moment, those seconds felt like long minutes. She held her gaze, until her cheeks bloomed in pink. Her gaze fell down. She forgot to greet. And I forgot to reply.
We never had any work together, until one day I was asked to help her out. I was nervous. I couldn’t call her name. It felt heavy on my heart. I emailed her, and looked at her. Anticipating her reaction. So see what she will think of me. Emailing her when she is so close by. Suddenly, her concentrated-facial expression changed. A faint smile appeared on her face. She must have read my email. I thought to myself. I received an email back, accepting my meeting request. The reply was so precious. I saved it in my personal folder. I was happy.
We worked a lot together after that meeting. But we never spoke of anything but work. Those meetings we had made me look forward for each day. Knowing that no matter how things might get hard at work, she will be there sitting at her desk, working hard, smiling, and laughing quietly at her phone. Those moments were very dear to me. Was it fate that bound us together? Or was it my foolishness, making everything seems like a story written in books. A story of love. A happy story.
She hasn’t been in office for two weeks. I haven’t heard any of her coworkers asking about her. I kept close attention to them. To know why wasn’t she attending the office. And I wishing I didn’t. I wish I haven’t heard them. It was when I was busy completing my work. It was weekend in less than two hours. So I was concentering at my task, while being quite to hear her co-workers talk. “Don’t forget, the wedding is on this weekend, not the coming one. So be sure to be in front of the hotel at 9pm”
“No…” I muttered
It can’t be. There is no wat they are talking about her. I felt fatigued. My muscles were giving in. I couldn’t breathe. No. I thought to myself. Stop. This can’t be about her. One of her coworkers walked by my desk “is she getting married?” I heard myself saying. She turned around. She looked confused. Hearing me speaking to other people at the office is unheard of “yes. She is” and walked away.
I chest hurts. Why. It’s very painful. Why does it hurt this much. My body breaks into sweat. I feel suffocated. What is happening. Why do I feel so weak? I feel pathetic. Is this how much I love her? I liked her, but my heart seems to love her soul so much, its breaking apart. I’m such a fool. Did I think that I may have her for myself. To have her love. Have I thought that fate had bound us together. For time to woven us together? I stood there, and saw her vanish before my eyes.
Tears started falling. There were warm.
The two weeks turned into two months. My heart stilled ached, but I felt strong enough to be able to move own. But all the feelings I had for her came back, rushing into me, when she came walking, greeting everyone like always. I tried to ignore her. To ignore my feelings. To ignore her existence. She came to my desk “good morning” she said. She looked beautiful. My chest strained. “I’m sorry I didn’t inform you that I was taking a leave. I..” she looked away. No. Don’t do that to me. I don’t want to hear it from you. Don’t hurt me more. Her eyes glanced down, at the floor. A soft blush bloomed in her cheeks “I actually got married”. When she spoked those words, I felt choked. I clenched my teeth. Trying to push all the feelings that were swelling in my chest. Please god, I prayed under my breath, I cant cry now. But I did. Tears started blurring my eyes. I couldn’t see. Suddenly I gasped. “I’m sorry” I whispered to her, Unable to speak. I walked passed her. I started running. I cant be there, I cant stay there. I ran to the parking lot , and stood there. Covering my eyes, crying like a child. Gasping. Sucking all the air I can manage to breath.
She’s gone. She can never be mine.